When I think of the word “performance,” my memory takes me back to my school days when I needed to bring home the best possible grades. “Studying is fundamental if you want to become anything good in your life,” my parents and grandmother, who couldn’t study beyond the second grade of elementary school, would say. “You need to be the best at what you do.” I didn’t learn to be my best but to be THE best. In school or university, getting the best grades can be relatively simple if you study hard and meticulously prepare for all tests, speed of execution included. My belief was challenged when one teacher in high school informed me that I couldn’t have the best grade for my diploma because other students were ‘better supported’ by their families than mine. I started feeling angry about the injustice.
My belief was always “study hard to get the best grades.” It held true at university, my first job, my second job, and my third job. Until I moved to Germany and started working for an American company. Being among the best here was definitely challenging. In another nation, learning a new language at the age of 35, and facing new market dynamics alongside highly skilled, high-performing, highly experienced colleagues, I began to doubt my value profoundly. I dedicated more time to improving the language, working 12 hours a day to understand the processes, the market, the customer needs, and the complexity of the company. I was in the top-performing company I had dreamed of, and yet I felt miserably inadequate. And when the first performance review came, I was not among the curve of the best performers. My self-worth was constantly sliding down. My first and second maternity leaves gave me extreme joy, yet now my value was also measured against being the best possible mom, on top of being the best possible wife and daughter.
It was only when I experienced burnout and landed in a clinic that I started realizing my sickening and limiting belief. There I was in a group of 15 people, ranging from 18 to 68 years old. Among them, a student unable to cope with a possible ‘less than 100/100’ grade, a wonderful lady, a former model unable to accept the ‘visible’ imperfections that come with age, and the single father of 3 children fired because of a layoff. What did we all have in common? The identification of our worth with our performances. “I perform, therefore I have value,” was our unconscious mantra, even though we knew that we couldn’t be top performers in all fields all the time. Or that a layoff has nothing to do with us but is a cost-saving company decision. Or that we cannot always meet the expectations of our manager, client, or colleague.
And yet, we are perfect in our imperfection. Self-acceptance and self-love may seem more suited to a temple or a mindfulness course, but they are indeed the keys to healing or preventing burnout. Breaking the association of our self-worth with the performance we provide can take time. It is possible through a process aimed at redefining success and failure, identifying and challenging core beliefs, building a new identity that goes beyond only performance, learning to set boundaries, and stopping being dependent on external validation. I encourage those who relate to my story to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. It may seem daunting at first, yet it harbours the potential to unlock a life of genuine fulfilment and inner peace.
This path requires courage to face your deepest fears and the willingness to question long-held beliefs that no longer serve you. Remember, the most profound changes often start with a single step — a step towards understanding and compassion for oneself. By cultivating resilience, practicing mindfulness, and embracing your authentic self, you gradually shift from seeking validation from the world to finding an unshakeable confidence within. Let this process not be about reaching a destination of perfection but about revelling in the beauty of becoming — becoming more you, more true to your essence. As you embark on this path, let your heart be your guide, and may each step forward be a testament to your strength and your commitment to living a life unbound by the confines of external achievements.
Your journey towards self-acceptance and love is not just a gift to yourself but a beacon of hope for others to follow.
